my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
