I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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