Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
