Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
