the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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