He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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