She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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