I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
