I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
