Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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