Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
