this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
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