How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
