Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I could have mohawked her pubes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
