I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
