did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
