This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
