sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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