Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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