im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
