I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize