i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
