If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The struggles of a small town man whore
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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