Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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