Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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