hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize