I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
