You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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