Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
