at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Come on in and take your pants off
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