Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
