we have pet lesbian snakes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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