im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
