I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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