i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
