Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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