don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
