Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
