Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
