just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
