well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
