I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
