I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They have beer where we have blood.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
