Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
