Can i not drive my cunt home
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
