I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
