I think I am morally bankrupt
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
