my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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