Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
