Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
