my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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