i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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