Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
