just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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