What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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