just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
