He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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