the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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