I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
