can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
