those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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