so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
